Temporary Relevance

Um. I don’t even really have the words to aptly summarize my feelings about this:

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, written by Ms. Diabolina, when I was first introduced to the concentrated fug that is Vibram FiveFingers. I know what you’re thinking- okay, okay, there must be some reasonable explanation as to why these atrocities exist. They must be for when you’re walking on slippery rocks and want to have the ability to pick things up with your toes…? The company website describes FiveFingers as “barefoot performance footwear”. Honestly, no matter how you describe them, you can only spell FUG one way, Vibram.

Now, we haven’t even gotten to crux of my astonishment regarding FiveFingers yet. I was taken to new levels of disbelief when Diabolina reveled that the reason she was introduced to these fugs was because a coworker WORE THEM TO WORK. WTF YOU GUYS. I’m sorry, did I miss the memo about it suddenly being appropriate to wear webbed mountaineering shoes to work like they’re a perfectly good replacement for a pair of heels?

Listen, Weird Coworker, I know you march to the beat of your own drum and you probably bought these shoes for recreational use at first, but it’s time for an intervention. This morning, when you put these on, did you look in the mirror and think “hmm…can I get away with these at the office?…probably not…no, wait, they kind of look like flats. You know what? I bet no one will even notice! No one looks at your feet anyway.” WRONG. FAIL. Someone needs to be your surrogate BFF and tell it to you straight- what you do on your on time is your business, but you can’t bring shit like this into the office. Do you want to be known as that fucking weird girl from Accounts? No, I didn’t think so. Leave your fish shoes at home.

thank you and goodnight.